AnYi 安亦

This is a tranlation of 归点. I made the necessary adjustments to the first draft translated by ChatGPT.

Even ten years later, Lu Cang would still dream of the spring of his final year at university. In his dreams, he held the offer of an Ivory League University in one hand and his Teacher’s Qualification Licence in the other. There was vague laughter in the distance, and as long as he crossed that mist, he would arrive at the other side of the ocean and lead that busy life in the laboratory, writing and calculating, collecting data. Then, after four years, he would be called Dr Lu, and return to his laboratory,  occasionally publishing papers and perhaps tutoring students one day.

Every time the mist beckoned him, and every time it tugged at his heartstrings.

A few times, he went as far as boarding a plane and flying to that distant campus he had never seen before. Once, he even started to work on a project under a supervisor there. But every time he would wake up from this dream, shouting at the vague figure, “I’m going back to Huaiping.”

Let’s not talk about what was yet to come. Even if Lu Cang had never read Freud, he knew that reality could not be copied from dreams. He had just woken up from the first of these dreams. The dormitory was still dark, with only a hint of dawn seeping in through the window. He rolled over with difficulty on the narrow dormitory bed and stared blankly at the mosquito net on the ceiling. The admission letter was tucked under his pillow, printed just the day before. As for the Teacher’s Qualification Licence, he had not yet obtained it, although the written exam results came out last month — he passed, and his score wasn’t low.

Of course, this was not unexpected. There were six people in their dormitory, all outstanding individuals selected from the sea of candidates in the college entrance examination. Whenever they had spare time over the four years of undergraduate studies, they competed in exams and certifications for fun. Over the years, they accumulated a lot of useless paper that they were never going to use in the future. They didn’t know who came up with the idea of taking TQL exam, and when they registered, they joked about taking the one for teaching kindergarten. In the end, they all applied for high school TQLs. For those who majored in natural sciences at Lu Cang’s undergraduate university, if they ever got into teaching, it would basically be something after obtaining a PhD. Applying for the high school teaching qualification was nothing more than youthful exuberance, as it seemed to be the highest and most difficult category in all TQL exams, so they went for it with enthusiasm.

Four out of six people passed the written exam. On results day, they laughed and joked, teasing the two who didn’t pass, but no one took it seriously. Cao Chen, who shared a bunk bed with Lu Cang, even joked with him, “Bro, you have the highest score. Looks like the heavy burden of building compulsory education in our country should be entrusted to you!”

Lu Cang really felt life was a play now.

He kicked the bedpost of the lower bunk. “Cao, are you awake?”

Cao Chen was abruptly awakened and was naturally annoyed at him. “What’s up? You’re disturbing my dream.”

Lu Cang said slowly, “I’ve decided. I’m going back to Huai Ping to become a teacher.”

That day after labs, Cao Chen took a life risk and cancelled his plan to go to the cafeteria with his girlfriend, taking Lu Cang to the street vendor outside the university gates instead for solemn life discussions.  After two bottles of Tsingtao beer settled in his belly, Cao Chen began to curse. “What the hell is this? What about going to the United States and joining your petite bourgeoisie artist dad? Are you short of money or short of brains, Lu Cang? If you don’t want your shiny hot full scholarship offer, can you give it to me instead of this?”

“If I could give it to you, I really would.” Lu Cang smiled wistfully. “Anyway, you couldn’t have got it.”

Cao Chen almost hit him with a beer bottle. “Fuck your m–“

“My mum died a long time ago.” Lu Cang said. “Don’t.” Suddenly Cao Chen became quiet, downed half a bottle of beer in one gulp, and then silently picked around a few pieces of stir-fried clams with his chopsticks.

Lu Cang calmly picked out the chilli from his plate of clams. “It’s partly why.”

Cao Chen asked tentatively, “But wait… I remember your mum has been gone for years, right?”

“Right. When I was in my senior year of high school.” Lu Cang slowly took a sip of beer, the bitter taste entering his mouth, and the cold foam flowing down his throat into his chest. “Have I ever told you that I have younger siblings? My mother had them with the man she met later.”

Cao Chen’s mind took a turn before he understood. “The man she met…is your stepfather?”

“Sort of. We never got close. I was already at boarding school by then.” Lu Cang handled his chopsticks carefully, breaking open the clams one by one and eating them slowly. The occasional spiciness stimulated his taste buds. “He was a good person. But he didn’t live long. He died when my brother was only two years old. And then…well, life wasn’t easy after that.”

He frowned and fell silent for a while, unaccustomed to telling people about the past that had tangled him for years, even if that person was his mate with whom he lived day and night. Cao Chen didn’t interrupt at this juncture, just playing with the empty shells of the clams in his bowl, watching Lu Cang closely, without saying a word.

“My sister is nine years younger than me, and my brother is eleven years younger. We only lived together for three or four years, before I went to boarding school after middle school. Well…my mum was already a bit off back then. She was raising the two of them alone until my second year of high school. Bythen, she was unable to handle it and had to send them to our grandmother. “By the way, all three of us have my mother’s family name. I changed mine when I was around four or five, but I remember the two of them had always been Lu. My mum was the kind of person… well, she was very obsessive about many things, and that was one of them. She died alone in our old place – my siblings were too young at the time, and they were kept from the true reason. My aunt called me. It was just after the first round of mocks, and I took a leave of absence and went home. The day after the funeral, my teacher called me to say that I had got baosong [recommended admission to university without exams]. I was young then, and there were many things I couldn’t figure out, so I just left. Grandmother was not well, so my siblings were put under my aunt’s care. I rarely go back home for the New Year, and even when I do, I just see my grandmother and leave. In fact, I haven’t seen my siblings in years.”

“Wow, Cang, you…this is like something out of a movie.” Cao Chen struggled to find the right words, having forgotten all his Chinese education at high school. He had known Lu Cang for almost four years. They had been to the shower house on campus so many times that they knew what other one looked like naked, but this was the first time he had heard Lu Cang talk about his past. Their department was known for producing standard nerds with black- and blue-framed glasses, with a few pimples on their foreheads and the faint beginning of a moustache on their upper lips. They seemed to be trying to prove the stereotypical image in people’s heads, while Lu Cang, with his delicate features and a a little bit of ethereal aura borrowed from his artist father, combined with unshakable stellar grades, had become the department’s signature face and a high-quality idol. By the time he was in fourth year, Lu Cang had already become such a legendary figure in the department with countless rumours flying about him, spoken in reverent tones, that people started a well-known thread on the uni forum where people came to dome some archaeology on old gossip every now and then. Lu Cang himself never used the forum, and these virtual reputations meant nothing to him; he had nothing in his heart and therefore could not be disturbed – a blatant violation of the principles of these materialistic scientific workers. Only Cao Chen would often grit his teeth and say, “Those little girls are too shallow! What a load of crap, what ‘ice-cold beauty who practices celibacy’ – he can’t even shave properly!”

Lu Cang was not very good at making friends, but Cao Chen was an exception–probably because Cao had thick skin and naturally got along with everyone. During their first year, he spotted Lu Cang and clung to him for help in their group project, and never quite let go of him. Cao Chen was born with great enthusiastic energy and loved crowds. Every time they finished a group project, he would treat everyone to barbecue and beer at a street vendor. He also frequently helped with things like fetching food and hot water. Over the course of four years, even a true iceberg like Lu Cang was melted by this warmth, and he gradually elevated Cao Chen from “classmate” to “mate”. And through Cao Chen’s meticulous analysis over the four years, he gradually concluded that Lu Cang’s melancholy, soulful appearance of someone capable of hidden arduous affection was simply a deception, and that his confusion towards women’s attention and gestures were always genuine and sincere. Cao Chen even seriously suspected for a while whether Lu Cang liked men, and even worried about how he would react if Lu Cang came out to him, but later Little Cao quietly concluded: Lu Cang only had eyes for academia, and didn’t care for romance from any gender. He should just marry academia; it would be a match made in heaven.

Therefore, Cao Chen couldn’t understand this. Lu Cang had to either had a brain malfunction or took the wrong drugs to reject his fully funded PhD offer and instead choose to become a high school teacher in his hometown, a third-tier small city. In those days, the study abroad industry was in its infancy. It was more difficult than it is now for Chinese students to do a PhD in the US, and almost impossibly hard to gain a full scholarship. Even three beers couldn’t make Cao Chen figure out Lu Cang’s reasoning. Did he really despise the evil capitalist society that much? Did he apply for it just for fun? Even if he was nostalgic for socialism, he surely could’ve taken the exam to continue graduate studies at their alma mater. What was going on with this “returning to the pre-reform era” act tonight? Some kind of new masochism?

He started to have doubts again. Could that the melancholic pretty face reflect any genuine emotion at all?

Cao Chen couldn’t hold back his words and reluctantly tried to be tactful in a roundabout way: “Cang, is this because of something I said at the time? Did it awaken your noble spirit of dedication in the depths of your heart, making you really determined to become a hardworking gardener in basic education?”

Lu Cang finally laughed: “Don’t flatter yourself. If you had such a silver tongue, would you still have to beg and plead every time you have a row with your girlfriend?”

Before Cao Chen could refute this, Lu Cang continued: “My sister is starting middle school next term, and I plan to go to their school. Anyway, I’m taking the TQL exam for high school teaching, which also qualifies me to teach middle school. When I go back, I’ll take my siblings with me, and I’ll take care of them from now on.”

They had finished the clams, and Cao Chen somehow choked on air.

As dusk settled in, the evening breeze grew cooler, carrying the scent of roadside plants and the exhaust from passing cars. Mixed in with the pungent aroma of chilli from the nearby food stall, Lu Cang took a slow sip of his beer. The myriad of flavours tingled through each inhale and exhale.

The stall lady had just served another table and was wiping her hands on her slightly worn apron when the beeping of a PHS on the stove caught her attention. She hurriedly picked up the phone and answered in a loud voice with a Henan accent, “Meimei, where have you been? Why didn’t you just earlier?–You stayed in detention again? Ugh, why didn’t the other students get detained too?–You’re still being stubborn? Come back and I’ll settle this with you!–It’s getting dark out, be careful when you cross the street!” Her voice was piercing and sharp, yet with a hint of gentleness.

Land Cang and Cao Chen had already stopped talking, and her loud voice made them both look up at her. After hanging up, the landlady immediately noticed the plate of empty clam shells on their table. She picked up a washcloth and walked across several rows of tables to clean up. She was very meticulous, using the cloth to push the shells into one dish and then turning it over to wipe away the oil stains on the table. It wasn’t exactly clean, but Lu Cang and Cao Chen were accustomed to this and didn’t mind.

Her name was Wang Xiuying, and she and her husband had been running this food stall for several years. Lu Cang and Cao Chen were their regulars. As she wiped the table, a smile appeared on her dark face, which was her usual way of greeting customers, mixed with a hint of reserved shyness. She could tell that these two young men were students from Jicheng University.

“Do you want anything more? This is not enough for you young men, don’t starve yourselves.” Wang Xiuying took the plates and smiled from Lu Cang to Cao Chen, and back to Lu Cang. Cao Chen raised his eyebrows at Lu Cang, who shook his head and said, “We don’t need more food, just bring four more beers – my treat.”

Cao Chen’s eyebrows rose to his hairline. “Aren’t you full of surprises today, Lu Cang!”

Lu Cang smiled, his eyes twinkling, and he turned his head to look across the street, his face almost gentle. For a moment, Cao Chen suddenly felt that some of the absurd rumours about Lu Cang on campus had a bit of truth to them. Of course, as a careless straight man, Cao Chen’s appreciation of his friend’s appearance was only fleeting. He followed Lu Cang’s gaze and saw a schoolgirl in uniform with a backpack bouncing across the street. She wore a ponytail as per the school’s regulations, with a small yellow plastic hairband with a tiny plastic butterfly on top. Lu Cang’s gaze followed her from the other side of the road to where Wang Xiuying was.

The little girl grinned, “Mama! I’ll help you!” and reached out to take the beer.

“No, kids don’t touch the alcohol!” Wang Xiuying put the four bottles of beer on their table and lectured her daughter, “You have to be like these two big brothers, and go to university, go to Jicheng University, before you can drink.”

The little girl pouted and twisted her body around her mother, “How can I get into Jicheng University!”

“You know you can’t get in? Then study harder!” Wang Xiuying snorted at her daughter’s head, half-jokingly scolding her, then turned to Lu Cang and Cao Chen, her face full of admiration, “Oh my, you can tell someone’s future by their childhood. Look at my child – she never wants to study! Surelly can’t compare to you guys! Tut tut, Meimei, look at how amazing these big brothers are! With children like you, your parents must wake up laughing in their dreams, right?”

Lu Cang sneered. Cao Chen’s polite smile froze for a moment as he looked back at him. For a moment, Lu Cang’s entire face and eyes turned red, as if many unwanted past memories had rushed up in that moment, before it quickly dissipated. He paused, his gaze softened, as he looked directly at the little girl Meimei, offering a polite smile to Wang Xiuying.

“They did dream, but I wasn’t in their dreams,” said Lu Cang softly. Wang Xiuying, sharp as she was, could tell something was off. Though she didn’t quite understand what was going on, she still pulled her daughter aside and went to greet the new customers. Lu Cang watched as Meimei awkwardly pulled a small stool out from under the oven and took out her homework, laying it flat on the table. Meimei was absent-minded while doing her homework. She would only do a couple of questions before getting distracted and doodling on the corners of her notebook or playing with the rubber on the tip of her pencil. Every now and then, she would lift her head to listen in on the conversation of the customers who were sitting close by.

“Your sister is about the same age, right?” Cao Chen asked. “How is she doing in school? And your little brother?”

Lu Cang shook his head. “I don’t know,” he said, feeling a little dazed. “Actually, I can hardly even remember what they look like.”

When he was little and when Lu Sisi was still sober, she had bought him a full set of Sherlock Holmes. The little boy viewed the great detective as his idol. And when the idol said that the brain’s storage capacity was limited and that one should discard unimportant information to make storage space for useful information, Little Lu Cang remembered this principle and put it into practice. He could accurately recite all the knowledge points in his textbooks, remember which page and which line they were on, and he could remember the smell of the soap on his mother’s body when she told him bedtime stories, and the flowers he had saved up for to buy her on her birthday.

Later on, memories related to Lu Sisi began to distort and twist. The scent of soap was mixed with a strong smell of alcohol, bedtime stories were filled with vicious curses and insults, and tender embraces were mixed with bloody wounds. Lu Cang’s impression of his sister and brother remained as they were before he fled to boarding school, when they were more like two crawling balls of chaos on the floor. Later on, his brain seemed to automatically seal off memories with the keyword “Lu Sisi,” leaving only a vague dull ache. He avoided touching them, so he wouldn’t be torn apart.

Unimportant information should be discarded in time. But sometimes, maybe it is only discarded precisely for its importance, as that is an unbearable price.